An eggs-ellent recipe for disaster

Following an attempt to brown his shell, Humpty Dumpty – a large, white egg – fractured into many pieces Tuesday when he fell off a wall, police said. Shortly after the fall, all the king’s men and horses attempted and failed to put Dumpty together again.

On the tragic day leading up to the fall, Dumpty made his way to his usual wall where he would tan for “hours at a time.”

“Humpty hated being so white,” the king’s men said. “He really wanted to be a brown egg, like the eggs on Sunnyside Shore. Every day when the sun came out, he’d sit right up there on the wall to catch some rays.”

WARNING: Graphic images ahead. Viewer discretion is advised. 

Dumpty’s attempt to be a brown egg was short lived when he fell off the 100 ft. wall and collided into the concrete floor, shattering his shell into 15 known pieces.

When asked if they were able to put Dumpty together again, the king’s horse said, “Neigh.”

Evidence shows that foul-play was a determinable factor in Dumpty’s case.

“A spatula with a yolk stain was found a few meters away from the location Dumpty allegedly fell from,” police said.

The yolk stain has been confirmed to be Dumpty’s. There are currently no suspects.

“He was one of 12 brothers,” Dumpty’s mother, Mother Goose, said. “He was always the egg-head of the bunch. But he was really a nice boy. He was just so self-conscious and shy because of his white pigment. He couldn’t crawl out of his shell. I just don’t understand why anyone would do this to him.”

The impact from the fall resulted in extreme brain damage, police said.

“His mind has become almost completely unresponsive,” the king said. “Scrambled, if you will.”

Dumpty is currently in critical condition and under intensive care and treatment at Cook County Hospital.

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